Life Anxieties
This newsletter I talk about a recent health scare & the privilege of health care in a world where hospitals in Gaza are being attacked by the IOF. Thinking about what accountability looks like now...
It’s always scary to talk about what’s really going on. Truth is never something embraced with open arms, for better or for worse. And especially when it comes to health and disability, people actively get upset at the idea that, despite and/or because of one’s lifestyle, we remain vulnerable to disability. I can’t quite recall where I heard this quote, likely from Therí Pickens’s book Mad Blackness : Black Madness, but it goes something like “all are welcome in the kingdom of disability.” I think there is also a reluctance because of the same reluctance of asking for help: that your call will be ignored, that the call reflects a kind of shame or weakness or embarrassment, that people who want to help ultimately cannot do anything to help, or even the fear that the calls for help will be answered.
Anyway, prepare for what may be considered Too Much Information: I had to go to urgent care recently because I discovered a cyst in my scrotum. A scrotal mass. Yesterday I got an ultrasound. I waited for hours for a phone call to give me more answers and they told me the ultrasound found…nothing. It wasn’t a comfort at all: I have pain, and I can feel a cyst, so what do you mean there is nothing? It felt like being gaslit. And I kept thinking about the procedure itself, how there was a sheepishness to examine the testicles/scrotum in the first place. (And I get that.) But mostly what stuck out to me was the silence. The two people who came and performed the ultrasound barely said a word to me as I lay there, balls out and dick covered with a towel. I could tell they were having issues finding the cyst, and I personally believe they were looking for cysts on the testicles as opposed to in the scrotum or along the epididymis tubes. They blamed the doctor for having incomplete notes, which is true, but at the same time I just kept thinking– I see you having issues but you aren’t communicating.
In some sense I want to be relieved that an ultrasound would certainly detect a cancerous mass and so a regular ultrasound seems to indicate that the mass is a benign cyst. So okay. But mostly I feel skeptical and exploited. I wanted them to give me certainty, not more questions. I will very likely be pursuing a visit with a urologist *soon* to get more clarification. But answers cost money and time. I do not have health insurance and the past few days have been about being run in circles by these insurance companies and enrollment agencies. Yesterday, for example, I was told at 10am that there were no more appointments, that the office opens at 8am but they would recommend arriving at 6:30am. Kinda like the DMV. Kinda like most government offices. So I guess that’s what I’m gonna try Monday morning (and/or Tuesday/Wednesday etc of next week). It’s also putting the question of an MFA back on the table, not only so that I can have health insurance as I continue this work of poetry, but to increase the likelihood of receiving better care, as these facilities tend to place students on a higher pedestal than everyday people (at least, it always felt like I got better care in university hospitals than when I stopped sharing affiliations). What a lie capitalism tells that universal healthcare would involve waitlists and death councils when all of that and worse exists in the status quo.
And really that’s what I kept thinking about, even in the anxiety and the frustration of everything. I kept thinking about how lucky I am, even with these circumstances, to see medical professionals in functioning facilities. I think about how hospitals in Gaza are all under attack. The power is cut off, the water is cut off, food reserves are cut off, communication is cut off, additional medical supplies are not coming in– on top of thousands of injuries and people with illnesses being left to suffer and die. No hospital in Gaza is currently operating– any that are left standing are currently under siege:
Al-Ahli Arab Hospital, founded in 1882, it is one of the oldest hospitals in the city and the hospital is the only cancer hospital in Gaza. It was bombed on October 14 and October 17.
13 October 2023: In Gaza, Durrah Children’s Hospital was reportedly bombed with internationally prohibited white phosphorus shells fired by Israeli forces.
14 October 2023: In Gaza, the Jordan Field Hospital was damaged in Israeli forces shelling and no longer able to provide health care.
As reported on 14 October 2023: In Rafah city and governorate, Abu Yousef al-Najjar Hospital (Mohammed Yousef el-Najar Hospital) was damaged by Israeli airstrikes and put out of service.
Al-Rantisi Hospital is a children's hospital in the Nasser neighborhood of Gaza City that has also been attacked, evacuated, and made inoperable. These attacks happened November 11 and CNN was shown the basement of this hospital as proof of tunnels and headquarter operations of Hamas.
As of November 16 (yesterday) the Indonesian hospital in northern Gaza has gone ‘completely out of service’ due to a lack of supplies and an overwhelming number of patients amid Israel’s assault on the besieged territory, hospital director Atef al-Kahlout has said.
Most days of this month of November have included various attacks on Al-Shifa Hospital, the largest medical complex and central hospital in the Gaza Strip. The hospital is currently under raid and thousands of people (the number I’ve been seeing in 7,000!) are trapped inside by IOF. We have seen footage of a mass grave being dug in front of the hospital, IOF snipers positioned in schools firing upon doctors, premature babies outside of incubators that no longer function– all while Western media tells us these people are terrorists with headquarters and tunnels in the hospital and weapons hidden next to MRI machines (despite that MRIs function through use of powerful magnets) and, simultaneously, that they are receiving aid from Israel with boxes with text uncarefully taped on *in English*. In fact, reports today that I’m seeing from Palestinians on twitter is that the premature babies are dead, the 51 folks who were on life-support in the ICU are dead, that more babies are dying, that more people are going to die.
What is defensible about any of this? Nothing at all. This cannot be called “self-defense” and nobody has a “right” to commit these brutalities. It was important for me to cite dates because this has been happening for decades and the acceleration of everything since 2023 has been devastating. Before October 7, during October 7 (because Israel officials are now amending the details of the attack, that IOF forces were responsible for much of the indiscriminate killing of Palestinians and Israelis alike), and after October 7– the mass atrocities keep adding up.
We are back to that word again: mass.
Mass like a lump.
Mass like a lot.
Mass like a dimensionless quantity representing the amount of matter in a particle or object.
Mass like a central act of worship (in the life of a Catholic).
Mass like ‘Ite missa es’ meaning “to send out”
Mass like mass production, mass murder, critical mass.
Not sure what to think of those connections just yet, but I do want to sit in them. There is a problem with mass, if only trying to figure out what’s the matter. What would it mean to attend a mass, attend to mass? And what are the costs of removing masses?
Already, there is another problem presenting itself, the problem of lumping. A mass of people is a “dimensionless quality” and thus can be made into anything: into mass movement, into mass production, into mass murder, into a lump sum/some: into a problem to remove, a problem to send out.
Even the coverage of atrocity is one of lumping– I use these words genocides and atrocities to refer not only to the situation for Palestinian people, but also for Congolese people, Tigray people, Uyghur people, Haitian people, for all peoples targeted by states and oligarchies, for all displaced peoples. On one hand, the horrors allow us to make these linkages to various peoples under immediate threat and oppression. On the other hand, it reminds me how many horrors went and continue to go undiscussed, unnoticed, unstopped. It’s hard to know how to hold it all except to continue talking openly about it all…
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Okay so what now? I look around and see how corrupt institutions are proving themselves, from how the vast majority of politicians refuse a ceasefire despite mass support for a ceasefire by USAmerican voters. Worse, articles report that schisms and tensions are high among staff and people in junior positions watching the seniors and admins hide secrets and lie to constituents. We have seen various labor strikes this year alone, revealing that moral rot stretches across many industries in this country. In the 50th year of Hip Hop we are finding out more and more information about abusive men at the top, using their rap careers to perpetuate their abuses. And in poetry, the list stacks of various institutions who have spoken out in support of Zionism and implicitly genocide, from Poetry Foundation to Pen America to 92Y to most recently Lambda Literary in a strange statement that obscures the situation of the resignation of the ED more than it explains. Even identity based organizations (that i often like to refer to as literary guilds) have demonstrated strange politics when it comes to leadership, statements absent, and many are quietly funded by MNCs like Amazon.
And even on an individual level, I maintain a lot of skepticism. I find my boundaries higher than ever this year. I understand people’s reasons for operating in certain ways, but just because I can’t judge those choices doesn’t mean I can’t make my own choice to distance myself. A number of times this year people have shown me that they do not respect me or my time. A number of people have chosen to refuse accountability for hurt. In the midst of seeing these harms on an individual, institutional, and global systemic level, I can’t help but wonder how to operate now in this landscape. My only real answer is totally DIY– I’ll publish myself, share my own work, and bear all the accountability for my actions. Lately I have been sharing poems on my IG that are explicitly political but have been constantly rejected by poetry outlets. I released a film/visual EP of 4 songs called “Aerial Vectors” even knowing that it will mostly be a project that lives in my archives. I’m trying to stop caring about the usual markers of success. I’m trying to stop vying for the attention of people who I only know on the internet but in person would pay me dust (I’m thinking about a poet on twitter who treated me disrespectfully at AWP in person). I’m trying to stop reifying the same dangerous paths. I’m trying to stop selling out my art. I’m trying to stop giving a fuck about affiliations and just build with the folks who support me, the folks who are building locally around me. I’m trying to remember that I am successful right now, that what I have right now is worthy of celebration.
That said, I also have to hold myself to account. I am skeptical of myself and my own politics just the same– which I think is important. I never want to lose myself and lose my imperfections, I never want to hold myself to a higher standard than others. So despite all I know about risks, I know I maintain strange masking habits– which is to say there are times when I’m around others and/or indoors without a mask. I make justifications around food and water and social expectations, but they are just excuses. I always try to wear a mask when on public transportation, and that’s good/important, but then the excuses. It reminds me of the extent to which I am another brainwashed USAmerican. I watch commercials and get hungry like anyone else. While I have been boycotting institutions in accordance to BDS recommendations, while I have been making calls to my representatives, it still reminds me how much more I could and should be doing. I haven’t gone to protests in person– in fact, I haven’t been to a protest since 2018. I have my own reasons for this. But even still, I’m aware of how many gears I simply do not choose to jam up, for whatever reasons. I’m aware of how my comforts come at great expenses to those somewhere else, and yet I’m also aware of how the weapons pointed outward are simultaneously pointed at me.
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So here I am. Anxious on so many levels. And trying to figure out how I can live a life that reduces as much harm around me as possible. It’s hard. I live at home with my mom and my grandma and it has been difficult to watch dementia manifest…
A lot of this newsletter is a kind of confessional of some of the inner-workings of life that I don’t talk about or that folks may not know about for one reason or another. It’s tricky! I love my family and my friends and want the best for everyone. I love my body and I want to survive even though there are questions and changes and barriers. I love poetry and want to imagine that my words can be of use in these times. I love Earth and I love people and I want them to have all the resources and happiness and life. In the words of June Jordan: “I SAID I LOVED YOU AND I WANTED GENOCIDE TO STOP.”
So yea…I don’t know! I don’t know! I don’t know! But I’m trying.
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In poetry news, I have some sweet notes among the bitter. Reviews have dropped recently of both BODYELECTRONIC and MISEDUCATION! I feel truly so lucky to have my work read, and all the more to see it reviewed. The process to read a work, write about it, and then get it published in reputable literary journals is such a feat, and I don’t take it lightly. I am all the more grateful that these are positive reviews written by talented poets with amazing books out, all the more grateful that reviews of these chapbooks (as opposed to full-length collections) are being run. It is so hard to get critical work out, so I cannot express how delighted and honored I am to see these reviews. The review of BODYELECTRONIC is in the print edition of Prairie Schooner, written by Kelly Weber. The review of MISEDUCATION is online in RHINO Poetry, written by Emily Pérez. While these are newer reviews, I definitely want to shout out Fall Down 7 Get Up 8 podcast and poet Ashia Ajani who have also reviewed BODYELECTRONIC– thank you! I’ve been thinking about and returning to the poems of BODYELECTRONIC lately in these times where our primary source connection to the genocides happening in the world has been through devices/screens/internet connection. Especially thinking about the relationship these devices have to the resource extraction and connected atrocities/brutalities in the Congo, the poems have grown heavier in their connections and their frank discussions of [digital] violence. So once again, that there are reviews and critical attention on this work makes me grateful that these poems still maintain resonance in the passage of time, even though I would honest prefer that they were not relevant at all (and the same for miseducation– I hate that people relate to the work because the circumstances of relation are mostly awful).
I also have recently released a short film/audio project/visual EP called Aerial Vectors. Ever since reading Aerial Concave Without Cloud by Sueyeun Juliette Lee (a new dear friend I made this year!) I have found myself looking up and thinking about the sky a lot. I have been collecting footage of the sky for a few months and been also making music. Everything kinda coalesced into this project, an endeavor toward looking up and making sky connections. While the project is wordless, I found myself thinking about the sky in other places, to look up and see smoke or white phosphorus or bombs or drones. There is something heavy and disturbing and explosive about the music and I think it pairs with these ideas– that freedom is related to the aerial, but also that the aerial, too, is under attack. Anyway, check it out and tell me what you think.
Finally, I have a new podcast episode out with The Poets, a new poetry podcast that highlights local Denver poets. It is only around 30 minutes so not too long. I do a set of poems from BODYPOLITIC and have a short convo about poetry craft. This set includes a number of poems I have written in the past month, and I was drawn to share it because I think one thing we USAmericans need right now is a serious reckoning with our own governance in the belly of the imperial beast. The poems critique USAmerican political institutions and our connected mythologies, specifically the myth of “American freedom”. Who knows what work the poems do necessarily, but I hope the language work is sticky and contemplative. I’d love it if you took a listen and let me know what you think of the poems.
It's such a strange time to be alive. It feels strange to enjoy comforts and luxuries as we see people forced to live in the worst conditions imaginable and beyond. So as we engage with art, which can often feel like a luxury but, as Audre Lorde reminds us, is indeed not a luxury, I think it important that we accept our human need for pleasure but that we don’t let pleasure or any other emotion allow us to escape the realities of this world. Let’s continue, in any and all aspects of our lives, to hold space for those who are under threat and continue resisting however we can. One of the easiest ways is simply to continue talking and sharing information. Even talking to one person, even just your family, matters. (For example, my mom gets earfuls from me everyday [haha] countering the propaganda on the news– and really anyone who talks with me for longer than 5 minutes.)
Okay that’s all I got for this newsletter. Sending out good energy & warmth to you all as usual. Continuing to look up, continuing to stand in solidarity however I can again brutal oppressors.
From the river to the sea,
Anxiously yours,
phaentompoet
Aerik