Returning
Considering the idea and the difficulties of return, sometimes its impossibility. Also general phaentompoet poetry updates and media sharing.
Hullo readers & listeners!
I’ve been trying to write this newsletter for months, various half-drafts haunting these newer words. But I also considered that it is just generally important to return to you all in some fashion. Return to you, readers, supporters, colleagues, friends, family.
I’ve been wanting to make prose, been wanting to write an essay, and only been finding emotion: anger, frustration, sadness, grief. Wanting to write and being made to, instead, return to my emotions.
I’m considering what it means to return in many ways and forms.
To return to anything can be highly emotional. To return is often a privilege, in many ways. I consider all the people who have been pushed through the threshold of the door of no return. I consider all of the people who cannot return.
To return is also to turn. Returns are voltas, as repetition is never the same each time.
To return, I'm starting small, taking baby steps, walking slowly and carefully. To return, I’m leaning into brevity.
***
There are various other returns I’ve been considering:
It is the 1st anniversary of the release of MISEDUCATION. There have been two reviews written on the chapbook, check them out here and here (with all my thanks to Emily and Noel!!). Please please please reach out if you would like a copy!
It is the 2nd anniversary of the release of BODYELECTRONIC. It has also received reviews, so cool (all my thanks to Kelly, Fall Down 7 Get Up 8 podcast, and Ashia [though the publication has since gone under so the review is no longer accessible! It happens.]) I’m not sure what happened with Trouble Department, clearly in trouble, but for now, BODYELECTRONIC only exists publicly as an experimental audiobook (i mean, i’m down to email an e-version too if you want one!). Even still, I find that I return to these poems often. I recently did a workshop at Arapahoe Community College on poetry and technology, leaning on poems from BE as examples. I love how these poems still have life, still insist on their relevance. More importantly, I find that they also return to me. Here is a spotify link, though you can find it on all other streaming platforms. Please tell me if you listen: otherwise I will never know.
At the end of the month it will be my first in person CantoMundo retreat since being accepted as a fellow in March 2020. March 2020, what a time. There was a virtual retreat that we did in June 2021, and it was truly lovely (i love virtual offerings! I wish there were more!). As with any in-person event, I’m always nervous and anxious about covid. But I’m nevertheless looking forward to spending time with cool poets– to meet friends old and new alike, writing poems, and sharing the experience together, an honor and privilege. Part of the fellowship is the idea of coming back, that there will be 2 more retreats I will attend some time in the next 5 years. So thinking here about the return from virtual to in-person, with all the values and limitations. And to expect to return in the future.
But before that, in the middle of May, it is my 10 year college reunion this year. I will be returning to Chicago for the occasion and I feel nervous and excited. Excited because I will be finally reuniting and returning to people I consider dear friends and who I have not seen in that amount of time.
Considering what it means to return to friends and friendship after long distance, knowing we will once again return to being long distance friends afterward. Nervous for that reason.
Nervous to return to a university space both haunted and currently boiling (as many university spaces are, often and especially currently). Excited to check out the encampment and offer solidarity and energy.
Nervous because why some people be mad at me sometimes // they ask me to remember / but they want me to remember / their memories / and i keep on remembering / mine. (by Lucille Clifton).
Nervous about a future of poetry. I really feel like I have to return to full indie, just like I started. I don’t think my book manuscript BODYPOLITIC will be published by publishers at this point. And honestly, the more I think about it, the more naive I feel for trying to get it published.
I don’t trust many literary mags, journals, and organizations anymore, especially with my work. The most stable and consistent journals are housed in universities, and thus they lack a particular aesthetic or politic inherently, and have a constantly shifting team. Many publications just generally do not maintain a politic, nor do they accept poems explicit about politics. And even if they do, the timeline feels too long to matter. There are urgent poems I want to share widely ASAP, but the publication process often takes a year plus.
I think I have to move more to DIY model. To return to my beginnings: self publishing zines. I understand that this means my audience will be limited and my work temporary. But what is the difference when getting published in the first place is a mixture of luck and politics? What is the difference when publishers can go MIA, effectively taking your book out of print on a whim without any accountability or repercussions? What is the difference when SPD can decide on a whim to just stop and allow a warehouse of books to be shredded if publishers don’t pay to ship their own unsold work back? What is the difference when I have have not yet received any royalties on my chapbooks, when industry standard royalties are 15%? What is the difference when prize giving institutions support genocide? And whats the difference when they won’t even let you inside of the gates they gatekeep? At this point, any metrics of success have gone out of the window and I have to figure things out otherwise. It is what it is.
And yet I return to poetry always. I get frustrated and then something happens and I return. Poetry for me has never been solely about craft or career or really anything except that it is a part of living life for me. It has been since I was young. I want to return to that idea: poetry as a part of living, a way of life.
And so, as stuck as I feel, I return to the work and will keep trying to find a way to make it work. And I am so grateful for all the folks return to me and my work– afterall, it is what makes this whole thing work, makes me able to share my work with others in the first place. Thank you.
UPCOMING EVENTS:
Chicago visit – May 15-20
Plz call/text me if you are in Chicago, IL and would like to hang out.
Cantomundo retreat and reading May 30-June 2
Plz call/text me if you are in Phoenix, AZ and would like to hang out.
Sundress workshop June 7 - June 8
I’ll be giving my first official craft talk as well as some generative writing activities. So excited!
Gender Euphoria June 21
Performing in a queer variety show featuring burlesque performers, dancers, aerialists, and me the poet! At the Clocktower Cabaret. You can get tickets now I believe!
Nuba feature June 28
I’m finally featuring at NUBA! I’ve never featured before so we are making it happen. And it’s a double feature with Hakeem Furious (i think??? Don’t quote me lmao). I plan on performing a set from my poetry-album PROPAGANDA, music and all.
Listen to your skin feature June 30
Also finally featuring for LTYS, and it’s a double feature with jason b. crawford (i think??? Don’t quote me lmao). Which is to say SO EXCITING AND NOT TO BE MISSED. Will be doing a set of what I like to call my “situationship” poems.
Also! I have some poems coming out in June, so that’s exciting! It feels like I hardly share my poems anymore outside of spoken word…
Media Share:
One thing that I have not been doing well in these newsletters that I want to correct is sharing media. In various capacities, I’ve been reading and listening to music – though I don’t really watch much tv or many movies. As I’ve aged, I’ve definitely gotten more comfortable and less adventurous, and it has been more difficult to devote time to listening and reading, so doing so and being able to share does feel special in a way. I forget where I read it, but I read a phrase along the lines of “we don’t deserve music right now” and keep considering it seriously. What does it mean to consume music knowing what we know– about the music, the lyrics, the production, the streaming, the music industry, the artists, oh, all we now know and don’t know about the artists. But I also consider music, art, poetry a way of life and what happens in all kinds of living. From chants to heartbeats to sirens to explosions, we make and are given decisions about our relationships to sound and sense. And music is a way of arranging those sounds, like photography arranges a moment, and film arranges experiences, like poetry arranges language.
Cindy Juyoung Ok in her poem “Orientation” writes, “Attitudes toward bells are proportional to proximity, as public music relies on the worship of intimacy, and a belief in the work: to foil regret, regard cement as liquid, to fade eventually well.” Her poetry makes me especially notice the “ward” within “toward”. There is so much to consider in that one sentence. One consideration I receive is that there is a borderline between pleasure and violence in public sound, all dependent on a certain belief or faith. Maybe I continue to have a faith in intimacy created by community craft/the craft of community– and therein that I'm lucky to, for now, see a kind of beauty in bells where others feel imposition or noise. But when I hear beauty I hear all that rings– hollow, dreadful, truthful.
Given all of that I wanted to share some music I’ve been enjoying lately. I also wanna open exchanges, so if you think I would dig something, or just want to talk about it, please send it my way.
FAV READS OF 2024 SO FAR:
First, I wanna list Dyscalculia by Camoghne Felix. I listened to the audiobook and couldn’t stop listening until I was done. Made me wanna find the book to actually read it and appreciate the written form.
How We Do It: Black Writers on Craft, Practice, and Skill, an anthology edited by Darlene Taylor and Jericho Brown
Super cool essays and really amazing that this craft collection exists. While there are essays and considerations from/by/for poets, I would say this collection is more generally geared for prose writers. Overall it is really focused on those fundamental questions from diverse Black perspectives and while large books tend to increase my anxiety, this one was super easy to move through, essay by essay, chapter by chapter. I loved the interviews as well.
My favorite essays were, of course, by poets, go figure:
Muscularity and Eros: On Syntax by Carl Phillips
Judas Goat by Gabrielle Bates
Check out this podcast: Between the Covers featuring Gabrielle Bates
Poems I keep thinking about: “The Dog” ; “How Judas Died” ; “The Mentor”
Real Phonies and Genuine Fakes by Nicky Beer
I loved this book, I devoured it and it reminded me of how much I could enjoy and admire a collection of poems. Every poem did some kind of work for me, and I don’t often come across collections that have that kind of effect. It makes it especially sweet to have been invited to her class last year to share poems and talk about poetry. Lastly, it makes sense that this book has been one of my favorite reads this year and the song “f@k€” by Shygirl has been one of my favorite songs this year. What’s more real than coming clean?
Poems I keep thinking about: “The Plagiarist”
Against Heaven by Kemi Alabi
Poems I keep thinking about: "WE WOULD HEX THE PRESIDENT BUT" ; “How to Fornicate”
Root Fractures by Diana Khoi Nguyen
Check out this podcast: Between the Covers featuring Diana Khoi Nguyen
Poems I keep thinking about: “Đổi Mới” ; “Cape Disappointment”
Currently reading Ward Toward by Cindy Juyoung Ok and really enjoying/admiring this collection of poems. So I’m just gonna go ahead and recommend it as well even though I’m only halfway thru.
Poems I keep thinking about: “Three Act Comedy” ; “Moss and Marigold”
FAVS OF MUSIC 2024 SO FAR:
Affection – Kllo (song)
Y’all, I LOVE KLLO! Their sound is so much of what I like and how I want my own music to sound. They haven’t really released much since dropping their 2nd album Maybe We Could right at the beginning of the pandemic, so this song is the beginning of their next era. They are an Australian music duo who makes electronic music. I love how catchy this song is, how it makes me move, and I love the build up to the dance break at the end. Obsessed with this song, constantly on repeat for me, and I’m so looking forward to when they release a new project. Still thinking about how I saw them live right before I left LA– thinking how amazing it was that this lil Denverite got to see their fav Australian musicians play. (This is also true for Hiatus Kaiyote– who played in Boulder and I bought two tickets for me and the homie to go.)
ClubShy – Shygirl (EP)
This is 15 mins of no-skip dance bliss. Infectious, fun, simple, precise. Amazing features/collaborations. I adore Shygirl! I could write an essay so I’ll just keep it at that.
Songs from the album I’m obsessed with: (the whole thing, but especially:) f@k€, tell me
Still - Erika de Casier (Album)
Her sound gives Aaliyah meets Sadé meets PinkPantheress, to me anyway. I found out about her via Shygirl (MY FAV!!!) because they have collaborated on a few songs. Really dig this album.
Songs from the album I’m obsessed with: Lucky, Test It, Oooh, Ex-Girlfriend
Girl With No Face - Allie X (Album)
Given how often I listen to this album, it very well may be a contender for album of the year. Maybe because I highly respect and admire that Allie X self-produced this whole album. Maybe because I feel that the project feels really complete. Maybe because the songs are just so catchy and interesting! The sound of this album is very much 80’s synthpop, new wave/synthwave, post-punk, which I’m generally cool with: don’t love, don’t hate. But i dunno, the dark sound, the drums, the vocals, everything, I just love this album, especially the first half. The 4 song run from Girl With No Face to Galina is just supreme! And Off With Her Tits is a song I’ve been waiting for all of my life. I mean, I have grown to accept and love my body as it is, very much aided by my poem “Breasts” (the power of that poem!). But to also have a song that empathizes with my fierce desire to rip my tits off my chest is most excellent.
Songs from the album I’m obsessed with: Girl With No Face, Off With Her Tits, John and Johnathan, Galina, You Slept On Me
Stop Dying, You Were Expensive! – AKWAEKE (Album)
Okay, the amount of respect and admiration I have for Akwaeke Emezi! Nobody is doing it like them!!! They have BOOKS! I can’t think of any other writer right now who is as prolific. While I haven’t read much of their fiction, I have read their memoir and poetry collection. So to hear this album on top, and the way it interacts with the written work is so wild! Their lyrical style and content is particular and unique, it’s a welcome and refreshing new presence in the rap world. But at the end of the day, as a music listener, my questions are simple: do I like it? Can I dance? Answers: yes and yes! I’m so inspired: this is the kind of artist I want to be.
Songs from the album I’m obsessed with: Let It In, Summoning 101, Diabozinho, Banye
For Your Consideration – Empress Of (Album)
Empress Of has been among my favs for a while now. Her first album, Me, was an instant fav when I first found out about her after seeing her open up for Kimbra at a concert in Denver around 2014/2015. Every drop after has been a wonderful adventure– from Us, to I’m Your Empress Of, to singles, to the Save Me EP. Music that makes me dance, music where I know she has her hands on everything, music that inspires me to be multilingual. I have to admit this new album was not an instant fav. The singles were amazing, but felt disjointed from each other. I got to see her live a few months ago at the Rina Sawayama concert and Kiss Me just dropped, so it was amazing to see them perform it together. [Insert picture here.] (lol just go to my IG). It is a song, while super catchy, that doesn’t quite speak to the rest of the album. The songs on the latter half, while some of my current favs, took a number of listens to warm up to. But the major thing about this album is that a lot of the production is her beatboxing/making sounds with her body. It is very much Timbaland and Bjork inspired, and it inspires me to make music in kind, gives me a model on how to mix those sounds with synthetic/electronic production. I’ve been a beatboxer all my life and grew up in choirs, so a cappella and making music with my body has always been a primary impulse in my art making and to see an example of how to compose with those tools in a modern and pleasurable way is so exciting. So happy to consider this album deeply.
Songs from the album I’m obsessed with (and like, IMO, it’s best to listen to them in this order): Cura, Preciosa, Sucia, Femenine, Lorelei, Kiss Me
Albums I’m looking forward to listening to:
The new Willow album, Empathogen. Liiiiike have you heard the singles??? It’s giving punk Esperanza Spalding in the best ways.
The new Tinashe album. I don’t wanna hear any Tinashe slander! I simply won’t allow it! Go watch the bb/Ang3l experience and then talk to me. It’s giving FKA twigs’ Soundtrack 7 project. The craft speaks for itself, what can I say!?
The new Dua Lipa album. Look don’t come for me, I’ve been a Dula Peep fan for a long time. New Rules was my fucking shit and I really tried to resist but couldn’t. And then she dropped that 2nd album, and I thought it was okay. But then I watched Studio 2054 and fell in love. The production was so good and she really demonstrated that her artistic vision is ambitious. It had that song with FKA twigs (LOVE, OBVY!) and that song with Angèle, so fucking good. Had me learning French and shit. And then she drops the single, Houdini, and that song is so good, and the video is really cool too. (gotta admit, not really feeling Training Day but hey, whatever). All of this is to say I am looking forward to checking out the new album.
The new St. Vincent album.
The new Tei Shi album.
The new Ravyn Lenae album.
The new Kacy Hill album.
Okay I also gotta admit here that I have not listened to Cowboy Carter and I do not feel motivated to listen. I dunno. Hard to explain. Maybe I’ll get around to it. ALSO, I do not care about beef and the only diss track that I’ve bothered to listen to at all in this recent outpouring of disses is HISS.
Okay that’s it for now. Thanks for reading, listening, and exchanging energies with me.